Alan Bradford

"Step 1: Apologize to your GI tract. // Step 2: Promise yourself that next time you'll spend a couple more bucks, go next door to Herb N Flavors and enjoy a real meal."

"The drive thru was excruciatingly slow. Use the ATM instead."

"Heat up your lunch in the grey/silver microwave instead of the white one. Unless you have leftover fish & broccoli."

"Love mustard? Ask for your burger to be mustard grilled. And chew with your mouth closed, slob-o."

"If you get the Philly cheesesteak, be sure to get it in pita bread."

"12-pack of condoms for 99 cents. Boom, shake the room."